Original artwork description:

This self-portrait is the first artwork I created following the devastating stillbirth of my daughter Sadie, born full term on 18 May 2025. This work forms part of a series exploring the unspoken and unspeakable feelings that arise whilst grieving, a raw and unfiltered glimpse.

Each drawing is a self-portrait encapsulating the array of emotions felt in the first moments, days, weeks and months which followed our earth-shattering loss. This first work captures the paralysis of shock, where I simply could not fathom what happened. The second holds the rage that followed and the third embodies a fragile stillness, not of peace, but of quiet resilience in the face of a daily battle which persists. I drew each in blue ballpoint pen, a deliberate departure from my usual black. I wanted this work to indicate a distinct shift with a colder feel.

Beneath the drawings are collaged pages from ‘The Philosophy of the Good Life’ (1935) by Charles Gore, a book full of ideals about morality, purpose and transcendence. At a time when nothing made sense, these pages became something to confront. The title of this artwork is taken from the collaged text it’s drawn upon; it’s the phrase that is closest to articulating the feeling that words cannot to describe, the struggle to grasp a reality that is too difficult to contemplate and too frightening to face.

This series, and this artwork is my way of honouring my daughter and is the product of me slowly returning to my practice, which has always been my salvation and lifeline when the world is too perplexing and painful to bare. Making this work allowed me to be present with my drawing process and created space for me to also be present with my thoughts and emotions. Though I still struggle, I will always remember the hope, joy and love that Sadie brought to our lives before we got the chance to meet her. Everything I ever do in my life will be for my angel, Sadie.

Ballpoint pen on collaged pages from ‘The Philosophy of the Good Life’ (1935) by Charles Gore. 30X42cm

In a handmade, anti-reflective, UV protected black frame.

Materials used:

ballpoint pen on antique texts

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